Leader's Lament

Lord God Adonai, I am so tired of being a leader.
I'm tired of being the one people look to for answers,
and then being ignored or criticized
because they don't like the answer.
I'm sick of unrealistic expectations,
of being always under the gun,
under the microscope,
on call.
I'm sick of my best not being good enough.
I'm sick of having to make decisions,
and then being second guessed by those
who never suggested anything better,
who have the luxury of sniping from the sidelines.
I'm tired of backseat drivers.
I'm tired of "damned if I do, damned if I don't."
I'm tired of throwing myself in front of the bus for people
and then have them gripe because of how I did it.
I'm tired of not being able to win for losing.
I'm tired of keeping confidences
that put me in an impossible position
while others say all sorts of things,
untrue and unfair things,
and then suspect or accuse me
because they don't understand my actions.
I'm tired of having to play by a different set of rules,
a higher standard,
than people who feel free to lash out at me.
Just once, can I lash out?
Can I be petty?
Can I be childish?
Can I be unforgiving?
Can I be bitter and resentful?
Can I blame everyone else while accepting no responsibility myself?
I'm sick of being the one who has to persevere,
the one who can't quit,
who can't turn his back,
who can't leave people holding the bag.
Please, LET me step aside and let someone else lead.
Let someone else have the responsibility.
Let someone else pay the price.
I'm tired of the attacks,
I'm tired of the grief.
I'm tired of being talked about behind my back.
I'm tired of giving.
I'm tired of leading.
And lest you be tired of me whining,
even while YOU try to lead poor, pathetic, self-pitying ME,
I will say,
Amen.